Regrets

The angry sounds around him had kept him up all night, guilt was destroying him slowly as he had more and more time to think about it. Where did he go wrong? didn't he have enough braincells to know that it was wrong?!. He looked at the brief shimmer of light that lightened the cell. The perfect orange light you see in movies, indicating that it was morning, as if the birds outside hadn't done that already. But it still did not make up for the boring gray place he was in. Would she have slept tonight? he thought as is dark glance fell on the bars, thinking of the girl that was the beginning of this all. He knew she should be somewhere here too... The german sights, he was going to trial soon, being charged as an adult...most likely. Was he scared? absolutly, did he deserve it? yes. Well at least he did not have a mom to dissapoint, he didn't have a father to disown him, so why would he be worried? Ofcourse, he wouldn't survive jail, that was for sure but he deserved it, it was his own fault, he broke the law, and it was killing him slowly and painfully. Friedrich should ave killed him when he had the chance. he should be dead, that was better for everyone. But his half brother didn't...maybe that was the reason why he felt this bad, or atleast one of them. The fact that he didn't listen to his half brother, that he fought with him, afyer all the shit friedrich went through. De jong fell of the stairs and lost his ability to walk normally, his job and happiness, just because he had to follow the rules and snitch !. Inoccent people we're killed, hurt and mentally scarred thanks to him!. All because he trusted the rules, every time he doubted, the rules blinded him again, while he clearly knew what he was doing, well except the murdering part, that he did not know, but might have known if he wasn't blinded by codes and rules. How could he ever face any of them again? knowing what he did to them? knowing that what he did can't be undone or forgotten?. What would his grandpa think of him now? ofcourse the guy is dead but still...he looked at his left hand, he could still see the teeth marks, the places where his skin was open, en he was, ofcourse, still missing a huge part of his thumb. That should have been his lesson, that should have been the moment he realized how fucked up he was, the moment where 11 year old hannes was attacked by wolves should have been his mind changing moment!. He still remebered how mad his grandpa was, how he was grabbed by his arm harshly  and dragged through the forest, without seeing his grandpa's face even once. Would he have done the same now? probably, but this time the elder would have made sure that it actually hurt a lot, instead of just dragging him, he would have made sure there were tons of rocks on the forest floor!. It were times like these where the german sat down and thought of who is father was, how he would have handled this,  where he wondered what kind of guy he really was instead of the person he had made him up to be, and why after all the austrian had done, friedrich still kind of defended him.  He frowned at the thought of it, but quickly forgot it as he laid down and stared at the ceilling wondering where soof woud be, hoping that she got set free or something. He was tired, so tired but everytime he closed his eyes, the yells of those here woke him, and if they didn't , his thoughts did. He still remebered the panic he was in after realizing what he had done. h still remembered the hateful glares he got as he was arrested, and he was pretty sure that he would never forget. Nor would people let him forget. He sat up and stared at the floor, what if his parents didn't get drunk that one night, then he would not have exicted and was everything better for everyone...stupid beer...fuck now he wanted beer. Or what if rules did not exist?! why would he still follow them if they just lead to distruction, blood and chaos?!. He started to shiver as is breath got heavier, he raised his head and looked at the ceilling. Rules were his life...but if the rules only lead to pain and distruction...then his life would too. He closed his eyes for a moment, everything was broken, everything was FUCKED!.  He felt how his body temperature dropped, how could he bare this?!. How could he continue on living without rules?. The german opened his eyes again as he heard a drunk person yell again, why couldn't the drunk just fall asleep already?. It weere times like these where he started to miss westwood, where everything could have been normal, where he even missed his brother. But nobody would forgive him, and he understood that, he didn't deserve forgiveness, kindness and acceptence. He deserved nothing anymore. except pain and regret ofcourse. He started to shiver again, he missed everything, even his mom, who never cared about him. But he was preparing for a life alone i was not like someone would come to visit him if he went to real jail. He wondered how fast he would die in jail, probably like the first day and not even in germany!. He laid down again on the cold bench inside the cell which was covered in dust, which was absolutly disgusting.  He listened to the sounds of people in the other cells, yelling, coughing and complaining was most of it, sometimes being interupted by te yelling of a policeman, probably the fat one that always hid here to eat donuts, but no matter how hard he tried, he never hear soof, not that he cared but still. If she had never come to him, this could have been different...or not, the rules would still have changed, and he would have followed him...everything was just ...just fucked!.